Stuff...things...yeah.

So, uh...I probably should post on here more than once a month. Anyway...Baby is doing okay. Baby Daddy is....okay. I am....not always so okay. Deep thoughts here; sorry. This one is not a rant or rave... 1. I always thought that pregnancy made you want to have a baby. Not true. I don't know yet how I feel about Baby. Sometimes okay; sometimes I don't want it. Case in point: I had a Dr. app't last week (finally.) Last day of January. Heard the heart beat. My thought: okay. It's alive. It's normal. Nothing really impressive. THAT IS NOT HOW I'M SUPPOSED TO FEEL!! I am supposed to be happy about this; I am supposed to be excited. I'm neither. Am I normal? What if I never want the baby? What if I never love it? Does this make me a bad person??Second case in point: went Baby registering this week with bf Liddee...and managed to find minor excitement at some of the cuter little girl dresses. I thought I was supposed to get giddy? Apparently not...... 2. I am struggling with Baby Daddy. Why? I love him; he doesn't love me; don't think he ever will. That's really hard. I care a lot, but I feel like he doesn't want me around in the girl-friend sort of way. He doesn't always act like he does at all...how am I supposed to deal with this? I am not used to not being treated like a princess. Call me spoiled, but there are certain standards I am used to...like flowers, pretty presents (read sparkly), nice dinners, concern for my opinions/desires/concerns/feelings, a certain level of tact, sophistication/class. Don't get me wrong; I am sooo proud of him right now for studying and for how hard he's been working. Picked up an extra job to be able to help out when Baby comes...I am soo proud. But I miss having an actual person around. And hearing (from his own mouth) that he doesn't like coming over to my apt, and doesn't feel comfortable, is just plain heart-wrenching. *sigh* 3. OMG school is so rough this semester. Here's a *quick* run-down: 9 classes. 2 are independent study. And have you ever tried to read Chaucer in Middle English? Okay...7 student organizations; I am an officer in 5 of them. And am starting a new group for students with kids. Add to all of this (which, btw, I could normally handle) the fact that every time I sit down to catch up on my homework (about a week behind in everything) I fall asleep. Baby is sapping all of my energy; and I do mean all. Nearly every spare moment of the daytime is devoted to some sort of something...a day off would be so nice. 4. Depression. Ahh...something I remember how to do. Yes, as I was considering states of my relationship at present with Baby Daddy, I had that old familiar thought: I don't really want to be alive right now. Add this to the next thought: Even though I am at 16 weeks already, there has to be a doctor out there who will still do an abortion (I am SO sorry Baby.. I really am.) Yeah, and this whole gaining weight thing is doing a number on me...I know it sounds sick. I know it. But four months ago, I wore a size three. I went shopping for work clothes this weekend..and am a perfect size seven. I have NEVER been this big in my life (I know it's Baby, I know it's not big, but it's a giant change for me). It's such a shock. I look in the mirror, and I don't see attractive. I see fat. I see ugly, with moody skin, and hair that won't cooperate anymore. I certainly don't feel beautiful, no matter how much Baby Daddy tells me I am. I just don't want to go in public some days...it shouldn't bother me, but... I used to go out to dinner, by myself, have a glass of wine, a good meal, and a decent book....and get looked at. Or hit on. Doesn't happen anymore; not only am I not the girl who gets hit on anymore, but I don't even have the inclination to go out. I miss my old, single, not pregnant life. I miss going out dancing on Friday and Saturday nights. I miss being ME. *pause here for trip to blow nose and sob* Ah well. Long post. Needed it...guess it ended up being a vent after all. Updates: Baby is healthy. My cramps are from Baby tipping to the right. (oh yeah, i've been having mysterious and concerning cramps that scared the bejesus out of me) Uhh...got a new job. Just heard back today. It's on campus, at the Admissions office. Get to be a tour guide for potential new students. Perfect job for me! Anyway, i think i have procrastinated from my (already insurmountable) homework. Better go do it.