So...

Yeah. I am very close on the verge to melting down. I am doing way too much, I am doing it by myself. I don't have enough time for it all. (I don't even get to sleep tonight, but I need this minute to rant, and hopefully I'll feel better for it.)

I am not getting the help or support I need. BabyDaddy is not the most supportive man in the world, as much as I care for him. Grr. He gets sick, I run him over hot, homemade soup. I, carrying his spawn, would like a steak, which I don't know how to cook well. Will he come help me? No. I get told "Cook it your damn self. Use the broiler." (FYI: I have an electric stove. There is no broiler.) He gets sick again (WHY is he getting all the attention while I am the pregnant one?!) So I go to the store, buy him cold medicine and tea, and myriad things to make him feel better because he is too lazy to take care of himself, and drive it across town to him! I take an hour that I should, by all rights, be studying, and devote it to him. So can he spend time with me? No. It would inconvenience him. Should I be worried?

And on that note, I am not one to usually cave to petty female jealousy and insecurity. But WTF is up with all the little girls that post him on his facebook, and that he writes to? All of his friends are girls...and they are all darn cute too. Meanwhile, I am growing larger by the day, feeling completely unwanted and unattractive to boot. What's a girl to do? I mean, he has to be around for Baby, and he knows it. But if he isn't meeting my needs as well...?

Plus, here's the latest rundown. 9 classes, a week behind in each. Over a dozen freaking projects. On my own. I need help people. I need help. I can't do it all alone.......

Calm before the storm, or peace after it?

Okay, so today has been really great.
1:I got to sleep in!
2:I had no meetings (for once) which meant I got to wear (gasp) jeans, a t-shirt, and a hoodie.
3:I looked GOOD in said scrubby clothes.
4:I actually got my reading done for one of my classes
5:Baby moved!
6:Baby Daddy and I are on good terms again.
7:I have a foursome for the voting ticket for Student Government elections next month...we are going to be the winning ticket.

So...with all the good, is this the calm BEFORE a storm? Or is it just the peace (finally) after last weekend's big ol' fight with Baby Daddy? Could be both ways...I am desperately far behind in every single class (I am at least a week behind in each)...and have no idea how on earth I will catch up...plus elections come up soon, and I have over a dozen stupid projects that I am head of (why do people keep giving me responsibility????).

On that note, my independent studies media class that I am taking online has a group project. My group elected guess who as the leader....yeah, me. So much for not being in charge. So much for saying "No." to people. (Side note: Mom told me on the phone last night that I really need to work on my "no-voice"). AArgh. Good thing I'm havin' a good day.

Life..

Life. Wow. What a difference a life makes. And what are we all doing with ours? I have a bf who feels like she just screwed hers up, a love whose childhood mate just lost his, and a new one growing inside of me.

This is to my girl; you know who you are.
Hun, it'll get better I swear. May take a bit, may take some hurt, but you'll recover. I promise you. And I'm there through the whole trip; you know this. I love ya hun, just like a sis. You'll make it. It'll be okay.

To my heart,
I know it's hard when you lose someone, close or not. I care for you; I'm here whether or not I'm the one you want to come to. Remember what we talked about....I'll always feel that way.

And to New Baby,
I'm sorry for my confusion right now. I think I'm starting to realize..and want.. the changes that you mean. You will be so beautiful in just a few short months!!

I'm going to go bawl my eyes out now, contemplate life a bit more, and get back to my homework.

Grr!

Yesterday...I was having a good day. Really...for once. And then, i backed out of my apartment parking spot, and I hit a pole. Oh yeah...my car's rear is smashed. So I had to call my insurance, and now..I have to go get my car repaired. Darn it. Darn it all.

*sigh* the world has a way of telling you that you shouldn't get too excited.

Anyway...Baby is still causing me cramps. Ah well. Hopefully it gets better soon. Hoping it's a girl, honestly, but I'm more concerned that I actually want it once it gets here.

Well, CSI is back on. Got to go.

Stuff...things...yeah.

So, uh...I probably should post on here more than once a month. Anyway...Baby is doing okay. Baby Daddy is....okay. I am....not always so okay. Deep thoughts here; sorry. This one is not a rant or rave... 1. I always thought that pregnancy made you want to have a baby. Not true. I don't know yet how I feel about Baby. Sometimes okay; sometimes I don't want it. Case in point: I had a Dr. app't last week (finally.) Last day of January. Heard the heart beat. My thought: okay. It's alive. It's normal. Nothing really impressive. THAT IS NOT HOW I'M SUPPOSED TO FEEL!! I am supposed to be happy about this; I am supposed to be excited. I'm neither. Am I normal? What if I never want the baby? What if I never love it? Does this make me a bad person??Second case in point: went Baby registering this week with bf Liddee...and managed to find minor excitement at some of the cuter little girl dresses. I thought I was supposed to get giddy? Apparently not...... 2. I am struggling with Baby Daddy. Why? I love him; he doesn't love me; don't think he ever will. That's really hard. I care a lot, but I feel like he doesn't want me around in the girl-friend sort of way. He doesn't always act like he does at all...how am I supposed to deal with this? I am not used to not being treated like a princess. Call me spoiled, but there are certain standards I am used to...like flowers, pretty presents (read sparkly), nice dinners, concern for my opinions/desires/concerns/feelings, a certain level of tact, sophistication/class. Don't get me wrong; I am sooo proud of him right now for studying and for how hard he's been working. Picked up an extra job to be able to help out when Baby comes...I am soo proud. But I miss having an actual person around. And hearing (from his own mouth) that he doesn't like coming over to my apt, and doesn't feel comfortable, is just plain heart-wrenching. *sigh* 3. OMG school is so rough this semester. Here's a *quick* run-down: 9 classes. 2 are independent study. And have you ever tried to read Chaucer in Middle English? Okay...7 student organizations; I am an officer in 5 of them. And am starting a new group for students with kids. Add to all of this (which, btw, I could normally handle) the fact that every time I sit down to catch up on my homework (about a week behind in everything) I fall asleep. Baby is sapping all of my energy; and I do mean all. Nearly every spare moment of the daytime is devoted to some sort of something...a day off would be so nice. 4. Depression. Ahh...something I remember how to do. Yes, as I was considering states of my relationship at present with Baby Daddy, I had that old familiar thought: I don't really want to be alive right now. Add this to the next thought: Even though I am at 16 weeks already, there has to be a doctor out there who will still do an abortion (I am SO sorry Baby.. I really am.) Yeah, and this whole gaining weight thing is doing a number on me...I know it sounds sick. I know it. But four months ago, I wore a size three. I went shopping for work clothes this weekend..and am a perfect size seven. I have NEVER been this big in my life (I know it's Baby, I know it's not big, but it's a giant change for me). It's such a shock. I look in the mirror, and I don't see attractive. I see fat. I see ugly, with moody skin, and hair that won't cooperate anymore. I certainly don't feel beautiful, no matter how much Baby Daddy tells me I am. I just don't want to go in public some days...it shouldn't bother me, but... I used to go out to dinner, by myself, have a glass of wine, a good meal, and a decent book....and get looked at. Or hit on. Doesn't happen anymore; not only am I not the girl who gets hit on anymore, but I don't even have the inclination to go out. I miss my old, single, not pregnant life. I miss going out dancing on Friday and Saturday nights. I miss being ME. *pause here for trip to blow nose and sob* Ah well. Long post. Needed it...guess it ended up being a vent after all. Updates: Baby is healthy. My cramps are from Baby tipping to the right. (oh yeah, i've been having mysterious and concerning cramps that scared the bejesus out of me) Uhh...got a new job. Just heard back today. It's on campus, at the Admissions office. Get to be a tour guide for potential new students. Perfect job for me! Anyway, i think i have procrastinated from my (already insurmountable) homework. Better go do it.